4 years of sobriety: “I no longer have the fear”

4 years of sobriety: “I no longer have the fear”

After years of struggling with addiction behind the appearance of a stable life, Rob, who now works as the Programme Manager at Montrose Health Group, reached a turning point that led him to seek lasting recovery. Despite early attempts at getting help, it wasn’t until he fully engaged with a 12-step programme that meaningful change began. Now, four years sober, he reflects on how recovery has helped him rebuild his relationships, find stability, and live with a sense of purpose and peace that had long been missing. His story highlights the importance of support, self-honesty, and community in the journey to sobriety.

Could you provide a bit of background to your journey?

RS: My background toward sobriety was, kind of, to put it simply—a 25-year descent into madness. I lost everything. It might have appeared to be OK for a long time on the outside, in terms of university degrees, career, family, house, etc., but inside I was deeply unhappy. From a very early age, I can see now that I had issues with being able to control the use of drugs and alcohol, but it all culminated in my early 40s—being out of work, my wife moving out, my son getting taken into care…

I was in a place where I felt completely and utterly lost and reached a point where I couldn't stand who I was.

So what was the turning point when you realised you needed to make a change from that descent into madness, as you described it?

RS: OK, so after all of these things that I had lost, I reached out for help to recover about five years before I actually got sober and began to engage with various groups, including 12-step fellowships. But I never really took it seriously. So that’s why I didn’t get well.

I just remember one day, being sat on the floor, needing alcohol, having no money to buy alcohol, and contemplating robbing someone with a hammer. What was very clear to me at that moment was that I hated who I had become—not just the fact that I wanted to rob someone with a hammer—I hated everything that my life had become. I wanted that to end.

I didn’t feel like I wanted to end my own life physically, but I wanted to change. And so that, for me, was the turning point. I walked back into a 12-step fellowship meeting that I had gone to over the years, and I became teachable. I began to listen. I began to hear things in a different way. I began to have what we call a spiritual experience.

What misconceptions do you think people have around sobriety?

RS: I think one of the biggest ones is that it’s boring. “What am I going to do with myself?” I mean, OK, as someone in my youth—I’d had enough when I got so bad—but there’s a lot of people, for instance, who are in their 20s that come into recovery, and, you know, you’re faced with a lifetime of no partying, no drinking, no drugs—and it’s seen as something boring.

What’s more boring than sitting in the house on your own, consistently snorting cocaine or drinking until you pass out? Is that fun?

And, you know, I have a tremendous amount of fun now. I’ve found a great number of friends who are in recovery, who are all on the same path as me. I’m able to have fun with my friends, my family, my wife, my children. I wasn’t able to have that before.

That’s important—I’d say it’s a massive thing. Being in recovery isn’t boring. You get to do all of those things you don’t do when you’re drinking or using drugs. It’s not fun, that drinking and using drugs for alcoholics.

What are you most proud of?

RS: Wow, that’s a question… I got paid this morning and I paid all my bills. Still, after four years, it gives me a sense of worth to be able to do that, and it makes me feel great. I remember all those times when I didn’t have money to pay bills—although I always found money to buy drugs. That’s something I’m incredibly proud of.

I’m proud that my wife looks at me and tells me she loves me—when she used to look at me in absolute fear every time she would walk in the door. I’m proud that my son is back in my life. My son, who was estranged from me for about six years and didn’t want to know me, is able to be back in my life—and that’s only a result of me working a programme.

Yeah, those are three very brilliant things. Just simple, simple things—but before, I couldn’t maintain any of those kinds of relationships.

You talk about programmes—what resources or programmes have you used?

RS: Personally, for me, what works is the 12 steps of recovery and the fellowships that surround those. I’m, you know—there are other modalities that are useful and absolutely needed for some people. Some kinds of therapy, of course, being out in nature, exercise—you know, mind, body, and spirit I think are very important.

But what I have understood through my own experience is that just doing exercise isn’t enough. Just having therapy isn’t enough. Bringing those three together is important. But we cannot, in my experience, survive with them alone, get better, and become what I call sober.

Sober isn’t just not drinking and using drugs. Not drinking and using drugs is terrifying. I have sobriety. I have a completely and utterly different way of being. It’s come from a spiritual experience as a result of working the 12 steps in recovery.

You’ve got four years now under your belt—so how has your life changed the most, as well as those experiences?

RS: I’ve talked about my family, which I cherish very much. A huge change in my experience is that I’m able to have relationships with people instead of them fearing me.

What that all stems from is the fact that I don’t fear myself anymore. My whole life from the age of about 21 was characterised by chronic anxiety and periods of depression—crippling anxiety where I could not see any way of living without self-medication, particularly with alcohol.

The biggest change in my life—if you ask what’s different—is that I no longer have what I used to call “the fear.” I wake most days with a positive attitude, with a clear conscience, with nothing that I have to apologise for. With nothing I have to fear.

Through the 12 steps of recovery, I have found a relationship with a higher power in which I have absolute faith.

Do you practise gratitude?

RS: Gratitude is the most important thing to do in the morning and the most important thing to do at night. With that, practising gratitude starts to come naturally throughout the day.

So what advice would you give to someone who was wanting the same journey that you have?

RS: First of all, you have to admit that you’ve got a problem—and reach out for help.

You know, we talk about rock bottom in recovery—rock bottom. I’ve ended up in hospital, my wife has left me, I’ve been sacked from my job. We all have those points in life that have perhaps pushed us toward getting some help. But there’s always another bottom in that respect. There’s always something else worse that can happen. It’s a progressive illness and worse things will happen to you externally.

But the rock bottom is where you truly come to a recognition in yourself that you can’t do this on your own—and you cry out for help and you trust in the help. That’s the starting point for me.

As well, for some people, being out of the environment they’re in can be very advantageous early in recovery. That’s why, for some people, residential rehab is required. Of course, some people will be unable to stop, particularly alcohol use, because that actually threatens their life. And a medical detox is required. So for some people, residential rehab has to be an option.

Personally, if you cannot control the amount that you drink or the drugs that you use once you start, and if you have a desperate desire to stop—and you can stop for periods of time—yet you can’t stop yourself starting again, that’s what we call an alcoholic or an addict. The only way that I’ve been able to overcome the problem—because I’m an alcoholic and addict—is through reaching out to the 12-step fellowships.